In your relationship when your partner is in pain, your first instinct may be to try and fix it. None of us want the person we love and care about to be in pain. The problem is, often times our attempts to fix it make it worse. We may explain, hey, I didn’t mean it that way, here’s my perspective. In which case, your partner is likely to not feel heard, or is likely to feel dismissed. We may get defensive, because sometimes when our partner hurts because of something we said or did, we want to correct the record and defend our good name and get them to see that they have it all wrong. Hey, I’m the good guy here, not the bad guy! And if you just saw that, we’d be okay. Again, this typically leaves a partner feeling unheard, dismissed and alone in their pain.
What your partner is looking for is not for you to fix it. In fact, they will often hear that you are trying to fix them. That their feelings are wrong and they shouldn’t feel that way. What your partner wants and needs, in many cases, is just for you to hear and understand their perspective, their hurt and they also want permission to feel what they feel, not to be made to feel it’s wrong, or silly, or stupid. They want to know their pain makes sense to someone, that they are seen and heard and understood. Once that occurs, then you can ask for what they need. And usually, it’s some type of reassurance that he/she matters to you, that their feelings matter and are important to you. That you’ll be there to listen and give your care and support and a moment that it was missed.
Simply being there, being present is often enough. It’s not about performance or having all the answers. It’s about being present, engaged, hearing, seeing. I like to tell people when your partner is sharing, leave your window for a moment, and walk over to your partners window to see what the picture look like from their point of view. Look through the lens of their story, their experiences, their personality, to see out their window the way they see it, then they will feel heard, and held and comforted and seen. You don’t have to have the answer, what your partner needs, is you.
Welcoming new writer, Hannah Rose! She has provided a guest post for our site. Wishing you love and happiness always! ~Dana
No relationship is without its challenges. Conflict is inevitable to growth as a couple, because how else are you supposed to learn and be better? However, it’s important to approach heated situations with a clear head before things escalate to an unnecessarily foul dispute that could put your entire relationship on the line. It might be hard to believe, but conflict can be a good thing — but only if you are able to manage it well.
When navigating these tough terrains, know when to draw the line. Bickering is normal, but Bustle cautions that it can also be indicative of underlying toxic issues in your relationship. That said, couples should be able to address all these and ideally, emerge stronger together.
Here are some ways to help keep your relationship out of a war zone when under the pressure of a difficult conversation.
Face the problem head-on
First things first: resist the urge to sweep your problems under a metaphorical rug. They will only come back as dust bunnies with a vengeance. If there is something about your relationship that keeps bothering you and you know there’s potential for it to grow bigger, don’t hide it. Be open about the problem with your partner. Love Bondings states that this openness is crucial in establishing trust. And when you both know how the other thinks and feels about certain issues, there is more honesty and freedom — thus making your relationship easier to maintain.
When you’re lost in the heat of the moment, it can be tempting to raise your voice and unleash all hell. However, people are more susceptible to saying things they don’t mean when they let anger get the best of them. The Independent warns against throwing out statements like “You are too emotional” and “I hate you.” These are huge red flags that will be difficult for your partner to forgive and forget later on. If you feel yourself starting to take things a little more personally than you should be, hit pause and take a breather. This can range from just 15 minutes to three days — whatever time you need. Your partner will appreciate this more than your quick, dagger-shaped words.
Another important point to remember is to never invalidate your partner’s feelings. You never get to decide where and when you hurt someone. You might not have intended to do so, but trying to make excuses and lessening the blame on you will only make your partner feel bad for having feelings they can’t control. Listen to what they have to say. Take the time to ask questions so you can understand them better, and show them that you genuinely do.
Pick your battles
Fights are highly emotional, and it’s likely you’ll try to grasp at whatever defenses you can, no matter if they’re even related to the topic. Make sure you stay on the same page always — never adding other unnecessary ingredients to the mix. Be as objective as you can and know that you can be wrong. Some simple topics like arguing over your partner’s choice of clothing can actually be pettier than you think, so don’t bother trying to be right for the sake of being right. According to Pretty Me, dress codes remain a topic of question in many workplaces and beyond. This is for you to gauge if you want to let it bleed over to your relationship. But remember that you are their partner, not parent. This goes for other issues, like trying to police how often your partner goes out with their friends.
“Sorry” is the key word
A previous post on Marriage Counseling Knoxville puts a spotlight on the dangers of the blame game, but this is nothing that can’t be combatted by a genuine apology. When apologizing, there should be no “ifs” and “buts” or putting the burden on your partner. Phrases like “I’m sorry you felt that way” are a big no-no because it lessens your own accountability. Instead, simply starting with “I’m sorry for…” or “I feel really bad about…” immediately expresses your own regret over the situation.
Post solely for the use of MarriageCounselingKnoxville.com
By: Hannah Rose
So many couples find themselves immersed in the blame/shame game. It’s a tit for tat back and forth of who’s fault it is that we are stuck, that we are fighting, disconnected, unhappy, distressed. It’s because you (finger pointing) never listen to me. It’s because you are always critical of me. Then when the finger is pointing at us, we then get defensive, dismissive and point back. And boy is it a stuck painful place to be for two people who love each other, who both just want to feel loved, understood and accepted. We don’t realize that is what is under this type of fight. The questions beneath are: do you really love me? Am I good enough for you? Do you see me? Can you understand and accept me? We are pleading for this. And in doing so, we don’t realize that in trying to get seen and heard, we are attacking our partner and not hearing and seeing them. It’s a vicious cycle.
How does a couple pull out of this? It feels so hopeless and defeating when it happens. And it feels so impossible and painful. But there is a way out. First we have to tune into those underlying questions and listen to the softer, vulnerable voice that asks those questions, not the loud and angry, or cold and distant voice that is protecting the self from the perceived threat of our attacking partner.
The other really difficult part is recognizing where our partner is coming from. That they also have those questions. That they too are caught in this vicious cycle and are getting hurt in it too and being reactive. We can embrace and express our own experience of hurt and pain while still recognizing that our partner is not reacting and being hurtful on purpose, but just like us they are reacting to the vicious cycle and their own pain. We can stop blaming and shaming each other for this and recognize we are both hurting human beings who want to be heard, understood and accepted. There is no bad guy in this. We are both trying to be heard. We are both asking these vital, painful, vulnerable questions. We can both step back from this together, stop pointing the finger and go to the softer more vulnerable place and share what is happening there. That makes it a lot easier for our partner to come close and listen, and offer comfort.
What that looks like, instead of saying, you are never there for me, say…when we get caught in this, I end up feeling so alone and I don’t know how to get you to hear me, and that feels scary. Instead of saying, you are always angry, negative and critical, say…I worry I won’t be good enough for you, that I can’t make you happy, and I end up not knowing what to do to make it better, and that gets scary.
We can then talk about what we need from each other. Be willing to express as well as listen to one another’s longings for connection, acceptance, and understanding.
If you need help with this, our counselors are here to offer assistance.
Wishing you love and happiness always,
One of the things that happens when couples get into distress, when one partner feels attacked, they get defensive. When this defensiveness occurs, you may end up dismissing the experience your partner is trying to share with you.
I understand that if your partner comes at you in an aggressive way (i.e. angry or blaming) it can be hard to hear the message of hurt behind the attack. Keep in mind, the height of the anger is equal to the depth of the hurt. Typically when a partner is acting out with anger, they are protesting disconnection and expressing deep hurt. If you respond by defending yourself by saying something along the lines of “that’s not true…I didn’t do that…that wasn’t what I intended…you are blowing this way out of proportion”, you end up dismissing your partner’s experience, which is very real and true for them.
The best way to disarm and diffuse the conflict, is turn toward and tune into your partner. Help slow them down by getting curious about what they are feeling and why. Really listen as they talk to what meaning they are giving the situation and why it hurts. Then your partner doesn’t have to fight so hard to be heard. The more you understand, the more comfort and reassurance you can offer. Then your parter will likely soften, and you’ll have room and space to also talk about what you are feeling and experiencing. When you understand someone’s story, you can often understand their reactions, so tuning in and listening can bring closeness, rather than both of you going off into the separate corners of painful disconnection.
Thank you for reading.
Wishing you love and happiness,
P.S. For more marriage enrichment, visit www.holdmetightknoxville.com and learn about our upcoming weekend workshops for couples.
Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy is a science based theoretical model of therapy for couples established by Sue Johnson. It is proven to work to help over 70% of couples who complete the EFT model of therapy. It is a map and strategy for understanding love relationships and where they go wrong.
If you are thinking of attending therapy with an EFT counselor, here’s a simple adaptation of a quote by Portia Nelson, written by Katty Coffron, PhD, on the process of EFT.
We walked down the sidewalk and fell into a deep hole. We couldn’t get out and we couldn’t figure out why. I thought it must be either your fault or my fault. We never quite got out of the hole; we just somehow moved on.
We walked down the sidewalk and fell into the same deep hole. We couldn’t understand. I still thought it must be either your fault, or my fault . It was a real struggle and we realized we needed help to get out. We didn’t just move on.
We started EFT therapy. We walked down the sidewalk and fell into the same deep hole again. This time we started to understand- it wasn’t my fault and it wasn’t your fault. It was the cycle’s fault. It was a struggle to get out, but we did get out.
We continued EFT therapy. We walked down the sidewalk and fell into the same deep hole again. This time we knew- it wasn’t my fault or your fault- we were both caught by the cycle. We knew we were both hurting. We reached for each other, and we got out.
We continued EFT therapy. We walked down the sidewalk and saw the hole. We reached for each other and we walked around it. We didn’t fall into the hole.
We finished EFT therapy. We reached for each other and we chose another sidewalk.
In your relationship, you may have experienced your own black hole. There is a way out. It’s not uncommon for couples to fall into these holes and get stuck, but it doesn’t have to be that way.
It takes a lot of courage to reach out for help. Many people, especially those who have had bad experiences with standard marriage counseling in the past, may think there is no help for them. But there is. We now have science and a map to understand love relationships, how to see the holes we fall into, and learn how through creating emotional safety with one another, we can learn to better understand and communicate our hurts and needs so that we can reach for each other and find each other in a way that creates the closeness and connection we all long for.
Thank you for reading.
Wishing you love and happiness,
Often times couples find themselves so emotionally exhausted from the issues that plague their relationship, they look for a way out and make the decision to file for divorce. Many times the couple is made up of two people who still love each other, but they just don’t know how to get along with each other. They don’t necessarily want out of the marriage, but they want out of the pain and frustration and think divorce must be the answer.
For this particular couple, they were in very damaging cycle in their relationship and did not know how to break out of it. They had already begun the divorce process at the time they came in for counseling.
In the first session, they were unable to be productive because they were so caught up blaming each other that they could not see their own part in the cycle. They decided to separate. During their separation, they continued individual counseling.
In continuing my work to share stories of couples who sit on my couch, it is my goal to provide hope and encouragment out there to those who are struggling in their marriage.
Infidelity is one of the most painful and difficult challenges for a couple to work through because it pulls the floor of safety and security right out from under you. But the marriage can be restored. In fact, it can be better than before. It's been said that time heals all wounds. When it comes to infidelity, time is certainly a factor, but it's not the only one. There is work to be done in that time to restore trust, emotional safety and connection to the relationship. Time alone won't solve those problems.
This story is about a young couple I'll call Tom and Suzanne (fictitious names, of course). Suzanne had lost her father at a young age which left her feeling abandoned. She grew up never having felt "good enough". When she married Tom, she had a lot of insecurities and needed a lot of approval. Because of this she avoided conflict like the plague. She was afraid if Tom got upset with her, he would abandon her. He would see the qualities that she saw in herself and he would not want to be with her any longer. Because of this fear, she manipulated herself to please him, never really being authentic. As some years past, she felt a loss of her sense of self.
This is my second month writing the stories of couples who come through my doors. As I stated in my first article, not every story will be a success story. But I hope each one is one that you can learn from. I hope to bring to light the struggles of many couples so others might realize they are not alone.
This story is not the story of one couple, but a story that I have seen repeated one too many times. (Names are fictional).
Joe and Mary have been married for 18 years. They have two children who are now 13 and 16 years old. Joe is a hard worker and dedicates himself to his career. He believes that by providing well for his family, he is doing his job as a husband and father. He puts in 60 to 80 hours a week and has for the last 20 years. He has done quite well in his career and provides a nice lifestyle for his wife and kids.
How to manage anger and resolve marital conflict without fighting about it.
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Welcome! If you are a couple struggling to communicate with each other, this eBook is for you. Laws of Loving Communication is a simple but effective guide for couples to learn the tools of communication that will help you to resolve relationship conflict, build greater intimacy, and stop arguing.
If you find yourself in the pattern of fighting about who is right, blaming each other, feeling like your partner doesn’t understand you, wanting to be heard but feel like you never are, this book will provide you with the necessary relationship help and tools to break out of the cycle and begin to listen to and understand one another.
This book is based on information from top counseling professionals in the field such as William Glasser, David Burns, and John Gottman along with my own experience counseling hundreds of couples in my practice.
You will learn about how to define the goals of communication, stop fighting about who’s right, turning complaints into requests, regaining a sense of goodwill and compassion toward one another, listening with an open heart and open mind, how to manage anger and other difficult emotions, and how to share with one another without getting pulled into battle.
I offer a full money back guarantee. If you are dissatisfied with the content of this book, you may contact me for a full refund. If at any point you need additional help resolving difficult issues in your marriage, do not hesitate to contact me. I will make myself available to you or provide you with the resources to best meet your needs.
One of the things I hear most from clients who have experienced infidelity is, I never thought this would happen in our marriage. It is not something any couple plans for or thinks will happen to them. But it can and does happen in marriage, but it can be avoided.
There are many reasons affairs happen, but typically it’s at the point when vulnerability meets opportunity. So first is to reduce vulnerability in your marriage. There are two major ways that I am going to talk about in this article. The first is taking care of your marriage, yourself and your spouse. The second is communication. If these two areas are prioritized in the marriage, you reduce your risk of infidelity.
The first priority is taking care of your marriage, yourself and your spouse. We all want to feel important in the life of those important to us. We want to feel useful and appreciated. We want to belong. It’s important that this is considered in how you treat your spouse. Often in marriage, partners begin to take each other for granted and complain about what’s wrong rather than appreciate what’s right. Daily things like noticing how your partner looks and commenting on it, noticing efforts made with chores around the house or parenting the kids and sharing these appreciations, taking the time to be affectionate and making your partner feel loved and noticed. These may seem like small gestures but they add up to connection and sense of belonging that is key in preventing affairs.
I often hear the spouse who had the affair say things like, this person listened to me, understood me, made me feel I was important. Things that all too often fall out of a marriage. Recognizing love as an action, not just a feeling and treating your spouse accordingly not only works to keep your spouse from looking to get these needs met elsewhere but also helps you nurture your fondness and admiration of your spouse.
In addition to this, it is important to make the marriage as much of a priority as you would your job. Early in marriage, people are focused on having kids and advancing careers. Both of these can pull you in different directions and distract your from your marriage. It is important to prioritize and not let this happen. Carve out time on a regular basis for your marriage to include communication, fun, play, intimacy and connecting.
Another important piece is self-care. It’s important that you make your own needs known, and when your spouse can’t meet them, meet them yourself. For example, if you are a person that likes to go to the beach to unwind but your partner doesn’t enjoy that, go anyway! Otherwise resentment builds, needs go unmet and you make yourself vulnerable to an affair.
The last but possible most important piece is communication. It’s not always possible to avoid vulnerability in a relationship. Vulnerabilities can be anything from job loss, loss of a loved one, new baby, anything that can bring stress to the relationship. By always communicating with one another and working together to overcome challenges, you reduce the risk of turning to an affair to cope. Share your needs with one another and be responsive and sensitive to each other’s needs. The stronger your connection and level of intimacy, understanding of one another, ability to cherish one another and treat each other as such will build a fortress around your relationship that will be difficult for an outsider to break through.