What are the boundaries for effective conflict resolution in marriage? Often, when couples get married, they come into the marriage with unspoken expectations. A common one that comes up is the right to free expression. I should and have the right to express every emotion that I have in the name of honesty. Hogwash!! This can be incredibly damaging to a relationship! Some of this may sound contradictory to that last post that talked about being your genuine selves with each other, but in there I mentioned there has to be boundaries. Well in this post we are talking about those boundaries with the understanding that unbridled self expression can be very damaging to a relationship. It might feel good in the moment, but what feels good in the moment is not necessarily for the benefit of the relationship. Everything you say and do in your relationship will either move you closer together or push you further apart. So ask yourself that question when you are about to “express” yourself. Is this going to bring you closer or push you further?
Here’s an example: when my husband is with the kids for a few hours, I come home and the house is a disaster. If I were to come home and start complaining that the house is a mess, he might feel resentful that I don’t appreciate the time he spent with the kids so I could have some time for myself. I might feel annoyed that the house is a mess, but for the sake of the relationship and my husband’s feelings, I keep that to myself and focus on appreciating his efforts. Is that disingenuous? I don’t think so, because both feelings exist, but I choose to express the ones that will draw me closer to my spouse.
Think about how you can do this in your marriage. Next post I will write about how to express dissatisfaction about something in the relationship without pushing your partner away.
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Here is part 2 in the series of what makes marriage work. My goal is to dish out tidbits of information that will help you improve your marriage.
This post will focus on conflict resolution. Conflict. It can be a scarey word to a lot of people but the avoidance of conflict will result in killing the passion in your relationship. When two human beings come together and allow themselves to be their authentic selves, there is going to be friction. To try to avoid this results in walking on eggshells and not being able to share genuine feelings, thoughts, beliefs and ideas for fear you are going to rock the boat.
Rock the boat! If communcation is dealt with inside the boundaries of love, respect, kindness, and empathy, conflict can lead to deeper understanding of one another which leads to a deeper level of intimacy. But it means allowing each other to be who you are and not trying to change each other. It means respecting one another’s views, feelings, and opinions. It means allowing your partner to feel what they feel and express emotions in a genuine way.
Embrace healthy conflict and have a happy New Year!
Building strong, secure foundations
Premarital counseling is an important part of preparing for your marriage whether it’s to deal with current problems in the relationship, strengthen your relationship or deepen your understanding of one another.
With premarital counseling, not only can you strengthen your relationship and deepen your connection now, but you can learn relationship skills that will help your relationship last a lifetime.
Premarital counseling is so important in helping you discuss difficult topics before marriage that you might not think about in your excitement to plan your wedding. Marriage is not just about how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility. Premarital counseling will highlight your strengths and create awareness of areas that need attention.
Some couples choose premarital counseling as a way to resolve some difficult issues that are getting in the way of having a satisfying relationship. Dealing with these issues before marrying can help the transition and adjustment periods of marriage go a lot smoother.
During premarital counseling, you will learn how your own and your partners childhood experiences impact your adult relationship. You will learn communication tools that you can use now and throughout the course of your relationship to deal with difficulties that come up along the way. You will discuss your values and beliefs about money, children, extended family, quality time, career, intimacy, hobbies, trust, connection, while learning the negotiation skills necessary to navigate these areas of life effectively. You will learn how to create an emotionally safe space for you to turn to one another to stay intimately connected and resolve and repair moments of disconnection that are inevitable in any relationship.
In the state of Tennessee, the standard fee for your marriage license is $98.50. With four hours of premarital counseling, your fee is reduced to $38.50. Below is the link for the form to fill out once your have completed premarital counseling.
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