Is it an affair?
There is the obvious definition of an affair, having sex with someone other than your spouse. But are there different types of affairs? And now that we have the Internet, how does that add to the problem.
One of the ways to define an affair is to ask the question, is what you are doing secretive? If your spouse knew what you were doing, would it hurt him or her? Are you going to someone outside your marriage to meet your emotional or physical intimacy needs?
Let’s use pornography as an example. If it is not done in secret, your spouse knows about it and is not hurt by it and it is not taking the place of physical or emotional intimacy with your spouse than that would not constitute as an affair. But let’s change it around. Let’s say you are using porn behind your spouses back, and knew that if he or she knew about it, it would be hurtful. And let’s also add that you are replacing emotional and physical intimacy with your partner with pornography, that could fit under the heading of infidelity.
Let’s say you talk often with a friend of the opposite sex. You might share intimate details of your life and marriage. If your spouse knows about this person and does not see this person as a threat to the relationship and you are not looking to this person to meet emotional needs that are not met by your partner, then that is a friendship. But let’s now take the same circumstances and your partner doesn’t know about this interaction, it’s secretive and if your partner knew about it would be hurt by it, and let’s also add that from this person you get emotional support that you don’t feel you get from your spouse, this constitutes as an emotional affair.
It is important to understand the physical and emotional boundaries of your marriage and to discuss them with one another. Going out to lunch with a co-worker of the opposite sex may be completely harmless, but if it is done without your spouse knowing about it, it could potentially be construed as betrayal. It also leaves the door open for a relationship to flourish if this were to become a regular thing and you tell yourself it is harmless but fail to share it with your partner. Boundaries not only need to be clearly defined, but they need to be respected.
We all have relationships with others outside our marriage, with friends, co-workers, extended family members. This is not only normal but also healthy. We also get emotional needs met from others aside from our intimate partner. But where is the boundary? What makes your intimate relationship unique? What are the things you share with your spouse that you would not share with another? What is sacred?
There is a closeness and connection between husband and wife that is special and unique. There is a bond of emotional and physical intimacy. If you are feeling disconnected from your partner, it is never a good idea to turn outside your marriage to deal with it. Whether it be by venting to friends or family, talking to a member of the opposite sex about your marital issues (by the way one of the most common ways an affair begins), having an affair, alcohol, gambling, drugs or other destructive means of coping. Disconnection must be dealt with in the marriage with communication, compassion, empathy, understanding and love. If you are unable to work through it by yourselves, seek the outside help of a qualified counselor or pastor from your church.
What makes marriage work? Boundaries for conflict resolution
What are the boundaries for effective conflict resolution in marriage? Often, when couples get married, they come into the marriage with unspoken expectations. A common one that comes up is the right to free expression. I should and have the right to express every emotion that I have in the name of honesty. Hogwash!! This can be incredibly damaging to a relationship! Some of this may sound contradictory to that last post that talked about being your genuine selves with each other, but in there I mentioned there has to be boundaries. Well in this post we are talking about those boundaries with the understanding that unbridled self expression can be very damaging to a relationship. It might feel good in the moment, but what feels good in the moment is not necessarily for the benefit of the relationship. Everything you say and do in your relationship will either move you closer together or push you further apart. So ask yourself that question when you are about to “express” yourself. Is this going to bring you closer or push you further?
Here’s an example: when my husband is with the kids for a few hours, I come home and the house is a disaster. If I were to come home and start complaining that the house is a mess, he might feel resentful that I don’t appreciate the time he spent with the kids so I could have some time for myself. I might feel annoyed that the house is a mess, but for the sake of the relationship and my husband’s feelings, I keep that to myself and focus on appreciating his efforts. Is that disingenuous? I don’t think so, because both feelings exist, but I choose to express the ones that will draw me closer to my spouse.
Think about how you can do this in your marriage. Next post I will write about how to express dissatisfaction about something in the relationship without pushing your partner away.
Thank you for visiting!
What makes marriage work? Part 2
Here is part 2 in the series of what makes marriage work. My goal is to dish out tidbits of information that will help you improve your marriage.
This post will focus on conflict resolution. Conflict. It can be a scarey word to a lot of people but the avoidance of conflict will result in killing the passion in your relationship. When two human beings come together and allow themselves to be their authentic selves, there is going to be friction. To try to avoid this results in walking on eggshells and not being able to share genuine feelings, thoughts, beliefs and ideas for fear you are going to rock the boat.
Rock the boat! If communcation is dealt with inside the boundaries of love, respect, kindness, and empathy, conflict can lead to deeper understanding of one another which leads to a deeper level of intimacy. But it means allowing each other to be who you are and not trying to change each other. It means respecting one another’s views, feelings, and opinions. It means allowing your partner to feel what they feel and express emotions in a genuine way.
Embrace healthy conflict and have a happy New Year!
You might need marriage counseling if…
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Having a trusted marriage counselor should be like having a trusted car mechanic or a trusted family doctor. If something doesn’t sound right with your car, you take it in and have it looked at by an expert. You might be able to handle routine maintenance, but anything more than that needs a qualified professional. Same with your physical health. Even healthy people get a cold or a headache here and there, but something more than that, you go see a doctor. The same is true of your marriage. Daily squabbles in a marriage are normal even for healthy couples. But anything beyond that, just like with your car or your body, if you let it go too long without getting professional help, the problem could get worse. Here is a list of troubles that might indicate a problem that needs professional attention:
Anytime you try to communicate with each other it turns into a fight.
You avoid communicating about difficult topics to prevent conflict.
You fight about the same thing over and over with no resolution.
There has been infidelity in the marriage.
You are thinking about having an affair.
You just went through a major life change (marriage, newborn baby, job change) and are having trouble adjusting.
Outside stresses (work, children, family) are putting a strain on the marriage.
Intimacy and passion are not what they used to be.
You often feel disconnected from your partner.
You wish you could communicate better with one another.
You fight about how to parent the kids.
You have a difficult time managing day to day life that you can’t find time for one another.
You feel overworked and under appreciated.
You are having a difficult time getting over past hurts.
You are considering divorce.
Having an objective party take the time to listen to your interactions with one another without taking sides can help break negative patterns of relating, increase effective communication through marriage education, improve intimacy and connection and relieve pain. If you are considering counseling but are still not sure, call for a free phone consultation to get your questions answered. (865) 283-1777
Control in Relationships
It is so common, and I hear it all the time, “my partner has control issues”. What is this about, how does it impact our relationships, and how can we change it?
Have you ever noticed that issues of control mainly only arise in our most intimate relationships? Why is that? Because that is where we are most vulnerable. That is the person who has the ability to hurt us the most. If we allow ourselves to take the risk to be intimate with another human being, we take the risk of getting hurt. Intimate relationships require us to be our most vulnerable selves if they are going to reach a truly deep level of intimacy. To be that vulnerable can be extraordinarily scary. Especially if we have been hurt in the past. So where does the issue of control come in? When we want to feel safe. We want the benefits of falling in love (companionship, affection, fun, comfort), but we don’t want the risks that come with falling in love (loss, pain, discomfort), so in order to feel “safe” we attempt to control our partner so that we don’t get hurt. Isn’t that what we all want in relationships, to feel safe? To know that this person will be there for us always and never hurt us? Is this a reasonable expectation? Can we ever really know that this person will always be here? Unfortunately the answer is no. We cannot always know. And even though we logically know this fact, and we logically know that we cannot control another person, on another level we attempt to control anyway, for safety, for survival.
How does this impact our relationships? In an attempt to control to feel safe, we may ultimately create what we are most afraid of; distance. Controlling behavior tends to push our partner away. It can be smothering and demanding. It deprives our partner of feeling a sense of freedom and independence within the relationship. And in the end, it may end up pushing that person out of the relationship.
So what can you do? The very first step in change is understanding. You must first have an awareness of this behavior, then understand what is underneath the behavior, and further understand how this behavior impacts your partner and your relationship. Once you have an understanding, you can then communicate at a deeper level with your partner, possibly bringing you closer together and then you can begin to make changes. You can ask for things from your partner that would allow you to feel more safe without being demanding and controlling.
First; ask yourself some questions. How is my behavior controlling? What is it that I am trying to control? Why don’t I feel safe in this relationship? After you answer these questions for yourself, ask how it impacts your partner and your relationship. Talk to your partner about it. Let your partner know that you are aware that your behavior is having a negative effect on the relationship and you want to make some changes. Acknowledge how they might feel on the receiving end. Talk about safety and what makes you feel safe in a relationship. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need. Ask your partner, as well, what he/she needs to also feel safe in this relationship. The next step; during times when you feel threatened, rather than getting defensive and resorting to controlling behaviors, share with you partner that you are feeling vulnerable and unsafe, and ask for the reassurance you need.
For the partner on the end of the controlling behavior, try to see this from your partners perspective. Try to understand that this is not about you, but it is about your partners need to feel safe. If you can look at this from a compassionate and empathetic standpoint, it will be easier for you be helpful toward your partner in making these changes. There are important questions that you may ask yourself as well: is there any thing you are doing to contribute to this problem? Are there any behaviors that you are displaying that may be contributing to your partner feeling “unsafe”?
Both of you can ask yourselves the question: what kind of partner do I want to be and what kind of relationship do I want to have? Once you define this, you can then begin to make changes to move toward that goal. Often times persons with controlling behavior don’t realize that the behavior leads to results they don’t want rather than results they are trying to achieve. By changing some basic thoughts and behaviors, you can begin to move toward having a healthy and fulfilling relationship.