Saving Face

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What does it mean to save face?

Have you ever seen someone trip or do something you deemed embarrassing but looked away so they wouldn’t have to feel embarrassed? If you have, you have allowed someone to “save face”.

What does this mean in a relationship? When couples get into arguments, they often get caught up in trying to prove themselves right and each other wrong. When one is wrong they are in the position of being the loser. When one loses, the relationship loses. By allowing your partner to save face (even in the event they were wrong!) no one is a loser and the relationship wins.  

 So why is this important?  Whenever you get into pointing fingers, making each other own up to every mistake, demanding apologies, demanding he/she see your point of view, it does damage to your relationship, to your connection with one another.

  Let me illustrate this point with an example. A couple has their wedding anniversary coming up. She plans a special dinner for her husband for when he gets home from work. He forgets it’s their anniversary and un-knowningly makes the decision to stay late at work to finish up a project. There are two reactions she might have. She may get angry and yell at him something like, “how could you forget our anniversary, you always do this kind of thing, you just don’t care about me or what’s important to me!” Or she might say, “You must have forgot our anniversary, let’s plan somthing special for tomorrow night and you can make it up to me” (said in a lighthearted manner). The latter is an example of allowing your partner to save face. There are other important relationship skills at play in this scenario, but allowing your partner to save face keeps kindness, forgiveness, acceptance, and love alive in the relationship. I will leave you with a quote that embraces this idea: “Sheila and I just celebrated our thirtieth wedding anniversary. Somebody asked her, what was our secret? She answered, “On my wedding day, I decided to make a list of ten of Tim’s faults which, for the sake of our marriage, I would always overlook. I figured I could live with at least ten!” When she was asked which faults she had listed, Shelia replied, “I never did get around to listing them. Instead, every time he does something that makes me mad, I simply say to myself, ‘Lucky for him, it’s one of the ten!'”
Tim Hudson, Chicken Soup for the Romantic Soul, 2002

What are you putting into your Relationship?

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There’s a saying that you get out of it what you put into it. Usually when we think of this saying we are applying it to work or education or sports. But this is equally true of relationships. When thinking in terms of getting out what you put in, what are you putting in?

If you put into your relationship criticism, complaining, nagging, arguing and withholding, what do you imagine you will get out of it? If you put into it love, compassion, kindness, friendship, and giving, what then do you imagine you will get out of it?

All too often we focus on what we need from our partner and what they need to do to give it to us. I hear from a lot of couples, I want more respect/affection/attention/cooperation etc.. you can fill in the blanks. But little do we think about what we give. We are often more concerned with what we want to get. But in order to get respect/affection/attention etc.. we first need to think about how we give those things.

In one scenario, a woman is complaining that her husband doesn’t listen to her. But as we begin to uncover what she is doing to get him to listen, she realized she is often nagging, complaining, or demanding. Well of course he doesn’t want to listen! When you are looking for something from your partner, think in terms of what you are inviting. If you want a listener, does your behavior invite someone to listen? If you want more attention and affection, do your actions invite attention and affection? Couples get so focused on changing their partner to meet their needs, they often overlook what they are providing.

I believe that in the end, we all want the same thing; to be loved and accepted for who we are; to feel understood and respected ; to be treated with care and kindness. When thinking about your relationship, instead of thinking in terms of how your partner can do this for you, think about how you can do this for your partner. You cannot change your partner, you can only start with yourself. You can inspire positive growth and change in your relationship by focusing on yourself and what you are putting into the relationship. 9 times out of 10 if you are putting in love, acceptance, kindness, compassion, respect, and trust, you will inspire that in return.

Another important aspect of all this is to pay attention to the positives in your partner. None of us enjoy having our flaws pointed out to us, yet in relationships couples get in the bad habit of criticizing one another. What would happen to your relationship if you spent more time pointing out what’s right and good and wonderful about your partner. Chances are you’ll inspire more of the same.

We all fall into bad relationship habits, but with a little focus in a positive direction, we can affect change. What you are getting out of your relationship is very likely a reflection of what you are putting in.

Marriage is the Foundation of the Family

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Having children changes the core dynamic of any couple’s relationship. All of a sudden, the two of you have this little being that you are both responsible for, in some aspects, a little intruder on your relationship. Your time together is no longer your own. While this is a wonderful blessing, it can also be a tremendous strain on your relationship.

Many couples make the mistake of putting the children first. You might be saying, but that is what we are supposed to do, right? Wrong. The heirarchy is opposite of what most people think. Most think the hierarchy is children first, then spouse and then self. Well it is actually the opposite. It should be and needs to be self first, then spouse and lastly the children. Let’s explore the reasoning behind this. When you are on an airplane, the attendant explains that in case of an emergency, the oxygen masks will fall from the ceiling. You are instructed that when this happens, put yours on first, then you may assist others. The reason for this is that if you cannot breath you are of no help to anyone else. So it is with relationships and parenting. If you are running on empty trying to take care of everyone else, how good of a parent or spouse can you really be? When you don’t take the time to take care of you, do you find yourself irritable, less patient, less able to cope with daily stressors? How good of a spouse or parent can you be if you are in this state? It is by putting yourself first and taking time to recharge your battery (on a regular, consistent basis) that you are truly caring about your family, because it puts you in the position to give the best of yourself to those you love.

The foundation upon which your family is built is your marriage. Children need and deserve a stable home. Yet many couples put their relationship on the backburner to raise their children. This is the most detrimental thing you can do to your children.
You are your children’s primary role model for how relationships work. If you are not taking care of your marriage, what are you role modeling to them.
If you are not maintaining a loving connection with one another, the marriage will inevitably fall apart. At that point you will either remain married and role model a distant and unloving relationship to your children, or you will divorce, thereby breaking down the family system.
It is so important to carve out time to nurture the foundation of your family. Leave the kids with a babysitter so you can go on regular dates, put the kids to bed early in their own beds so you can have alone time, send them to grandma’s on the weekend so you can have an overnight getaway. They may complain in the moment, but they will thank you in the long run. I never get adult children in my counseling office complaining that their parents went on too many dates or spent too much alone time together! Remember, you really are doing what is in their best interest, and enjoying the many benefits of a satisfying marriage in the meantime!
Children do no benefit from being the focus of the family. The family benefits from your marriage being at it’s center.

My hope is that at the end of this newsletter, you will sign out of your email, schedule that much needed massage, call the babysitter and make a reservation at your favorite restaurant for you and your spouse. Your kids will thank you for it!

 

Money and Relationships

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Most of us have heard or experienced that fights about money is one of the biggest difficulties facing couples. In this newsletter I will outline some important rules for handling money in your relationship. Often times the arguments are not about money but about power. He/She who makes the money has the power. This idea can lead to many an argument in marriages getting couples into deep power struggles.
The first rule is to approach the issue of money as a team. Your communication with each other about how to to handle money issues is of utmost importance. Each discussion should be handled with mutual respect. Each of us has different ideas about how money should be handled, and we all value money differently. Dicuss with each other your values and ideas about money. For example, some might view money as secondary to happiness while some might view it as a means to be happy. It is not to be argued who is right or wrong, it is a difference that is to be managed. Another big difference among couples is one is an impulsive spender while the other is a frugal saver, I will discuss how to manage these differences below.

The next major rule is equality. No matter who makes the money, you both should have an equal say in how money is spent. A marriage is, among other things, a partnership. You will alienate your partner and damage the relationship if you do not follow this rule. Some experts recommend having separate bank accounts. I have no problem with this. It is a good idea to build your own credit and have your own savings account, but if you are hiding money from your partner, you have greater problems than what is being discussed here and you may want to seek counseling.
I advise couples to agree on a spending limit, for example $50. Anything over that amont needs to be discussed with each other before purchasing. This is a great way to curb impulsiveness. It is not about asking your partner for permission, it is about collaberating together as partners for your financial future. For example, you wouldn’t make a big business decision without first discussing it with your business partner. So why would you do it in your marriage?

The last main point in dealing with financial issues is to assess each others strengths and weakness. Use strengths to balance each other as a team and be aware of weaknesses to hold each other accountable. For example; the couple I described above, one being frugal and the other an impulsive spend-thrift. The frugal one will make sure money is saved and bills are paid while the impulsive one will make sure that we as a couple are enjoying life in the present keeping the spontaneity and fun in the relationship. Both are equally important, so it is through recognizing these strengths that you can balance each other. But as stated above, you can only balance each other if you each have an equal voice. One of you might be better at balancing the budget while the other might have greater understanding of investments. Use each others strengths to the advantage of your relationship.
The umbrella to which all these rules fall under is trust. In order to be able to successfully negotiate money issues in your relationship, you must trust one another. Again, if this is a probem in your relationship, you may want to seek further assistance in learning how to trust and communicate effectively with one another.

Control in Relationships

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It is so common, and I hear it all the time, “my partner has control issues”. What is this about, how does it impact our relationships, and how can we change it?

Have you ever noticed that issues of control mainly only arise in our most intimate relationships? Why is that? Because that is where we are most vulnerable. That is the person who has the ability to hurt us the most. If we allow ourselves to take the risk to be intimate with another human being, we take the risk of getting hurt. Intimate relationships require us to be our most vulnerable selves if they are going to reach a truly deep level of intimacy. To be that vulnerable can be extraordinarily scary. Especially if we have been hurt in the past. So where does the issue of control come in? When we want to feel safe. We want the benefits of falling in love (companionship, affection, fun, comfort), but we don’t want the risks that come with falling in love (loss, pain, discomfort), so in order to feel “safe” we attempt to control our partner so that we don’t get hurt. Isn’t that what we all want in relationships, to feel safe? To know that this person will be there for us always and never hurt us? Is this a reasonable expectation? Can we ever really know that this person will always be here? Unfortunately the answer is no. We cannot always know. And even though we logically know this fact, and we logically know that we cannot control another person, on another level we attempt to control anyway, for safety, for survival.

How does this impact our relationships? In an attempt to control to feel safe, we may ultimately create what we are most afraid of; distance. Controlling behavior tends to push our partner away. It can be smothering and demanding. It deprives our partner of feeling a sense of freedom and independence within the relationship. And in the end, it may end up pushing that person out of the relationship.

So what can you do? The very first step in change is understanding. You must first have an awareness of this behavior, then understand what is underneath the behavior, and further understand how this behavior impacts your partner and your relationship. Once you have an understanding, you can then communicate at a deeper level with your partner, possibly bringing you closer together and then you can begin to make changes. You can ask for things from your partner that would allow you to feel more safe without being demanding and controlling.

First; ask yourself some questions. How is my behavior controlling? What is it that I am trying to control? Why don’t I feel safe in this relationship? After you answer these questions for yourself, ask how it impacts your partner and your relationship. Talk to your partner about it. Let your partner know that you are aware that your behavior is having a negative effect on the relationship and you want to make some changes. Acknowledge how they might feel on the receiving end. Talk about safety and what makes you feel safe in a relationship. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you need. Ask your partner, as well, what he/she needs to also feel safe in this relationship. The next step; during times when you feel threatened, rather than getting defensive and resorting to controlling behaviors, share with you partner that you are feeling vulnerable and unsafe, and ask for the reassurance you need.

For the partner on the end of the controlling behavior, try to see this from your partners perspective. Try to understand that this is not about you, but it is about your partners need to feel safe. If you can look at this from a compassionate and empathetic standpoint, it will be easier for you be helpful toward your partner in making these changes. There are important questions that you may ask yourself as well: is there any thing you are doing to contribute to this problem? Are there any behaviors that you are displaying that may be contributing to your partner feeling “unsafe”?

Both of you can ask yourselves the question: what kind of partner do I want to be and what kind of relationship do I want to have? Once you define this, you can then begin to make changes to move toward that goal. Often times persons with controlling behavior don’t realize that the behavior leads to results they don’t want rather than results they are trying to achieve. By changing some basic thoughts and behaviors, you can begin to move toward having a healthy and fulfilling relationship.

Competition in Relationships

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Competition: a rivalry for supremacy. We live in a very competitive society. This is not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, this can be a very good thing. Competition is good in many ways. For example, in sports, it gives us somebody to root for. Sports give us a social outlet to feel like part of a team. And if we play sports, the competitive spirit keeps us motivated and working hard to excel. In the work force, competition keeps us on our toes and working toward achieving, and when we achieve success above the competition, it feels great. Competition is also important in the business world, it keeps prices down for consumers. So when is competition a bad thing? When it enters into our intimate relationships.

There is no place for competition in relationships, yet it sneaks in and can destroy relationships. In competition there is a winner and a loser. In order for us to win in a competition with our partner, our partner must become the loser, and when that happens, the relationship loses. What does competition in relationships look like? Fighting to be right. Couples often get locked into arguments that end up being less about the topic and more about winning and being right. For example: Linda wants to buy a new car because she is tired of paying for repairs on the old one. Joe wants to keep the old one and says he can do most of the repairs himself. They begin to fight about this on a regular basis where it becomes about who is right and will win the argument rather than listening to the meaning behind the fight; (Linda feels unsafe in the car, Joe wants to feel competent that he can keep Linda safe). The fight then becomes about being right and winning the argument. Had they both taken the time to understand each others point of view, they would have seen that there was a reasonable compromise: a win-win situation.

When couples get locked into power struggles, they will often have the same arguments over and over. Sometimes they will argue about different “topics” but the underlying purpose is always the same; to win, to be right. If during disagreements, you find yourself trying to convince your partner of your point of view, or trying to get your way, chances are you are locked into being “right”. And if your partner is in the same frame of mind, and you are both waiting for the other to change, you are in a no-win situation and the relationship is being damaged one argument at a time.

So how do you get out of the fight? There are some simple steps that you alone can take to make change. And if you both follow these steps, the improvements to your relationship will be profound.

1. Make your first goal to understand your partners point of view. This is called empathy. Empathy is a crucial skill to nourishing a relationship. It is the ability to put yourself in your partners shoes and see things from his/her perspective even if you disagree.

2. Validate one another’s feelings. Say something along the lines of, “I can see how you would feel that way.” Or, “well, after hearing your side of things, I can certainly understand your perspective”. Again, it doesn’t necessarily mean you agree, you are still entitled to your own perspective, but taking the time to understand and validate your partners perspective can create some very positive and effective dialogue.

3. Find the areas of agreement. After taking the time to really “hear” one another, take some time to identify where the two of you are in agreement.

4. Find the middle ground. Negotiate and compromise. This is much easier to do when you have empathized with one another’s stance on the issue. There may not always be a compromise, but having dialogue with respect and empathy can mean the difference between dealing with issues in a healthy way, and causing destruction to your relationship.

Let’s look at the steps in action.

Linda and Joe recently got married. Before getting married both agreed they would take a nice honeymoon within the first year of marriage. A year has gone by and no honeymoon. Linda is getting upset that it hasn’t happened and the two of them argue about it often. They finally sit down to talk about it both seeking to understand the other. Linda explains that from her point of view, the honeymoon would “seal the deal”. To her, they didn’t really start their life together until they went on the honeymoon. She felt hurt that he wasn’t making the effort. Joe said to Linda, “if that’s what the honeymoon meant to you, then I could see how you would feel hurt.” Joe went on to explain that he had been putting it off because of what he thinks it will cost. He explained that he feels he is supposed to be the “provider” and it is his job to make sure that they are taken care of financially. He didn’t see the honeymoon as a financially sound decision at this point in their lives. Once Linda understood where Joe was coming from, she was able to feel better about the fact that it hasn’t happened yet. She realized his intent was to care for her. Both got out of being right. Once this happened they were able to compromise. They were able to plan an enjoyable honeymoon that was within their budget to do so.

One of the primary things to remember is to always respect one another. Communication is important in a relationship, but if communication occurs without respect and empathy, it can be very damaging. By using these tools, you can create significant improvements in your relationship. Even if you have disagreements every day, they do not have to be damaging to your relationship. “It is not how compatible you are, but how you manage incompatibility.”

One thing I tell clients, is that when you are having disagreements, hold hands with one another. Sometimes this simple physical touch is enough to keep you calm and remember to work for a win-win compromise.