If you don’t like a particular pattern you are in with your partner, instead of trying to change your partner,
look at how you can change what you are doing to create a change in the pattern.
Do the opposite of what you are currently doing and see what effect it has.
For example: Sara wants Jim to call more often when he is away on business trips, and when he doesn’t call she complains at him for not thinking of her and he ends up calling even less. So she breaks the pattern by stopping the complaining but being happy to hear from him. She doesn’t even mention how often he calls. Over time, this results in him calling more often.
So think about what current dysfunctional patterns you are in with your partner, what could you change in what you think, how you respond or react that might change the pattern?
We all spend time thinking about and illustrating the kind of partner we want to have. But how often, if ever, do we think about the kind of partner we want to be? If you have already chosen the partner you want to be with, now it is time to focus on the kind of partner you want to be. Make a list of your ideal self as husband or wife. How far off are you from that ideal self? Everyday is a day to bring yourself closer to becoming that person.
Grousing is to complain, nag, or criticize. These are deadly habits in relationships and over time can be highly destructive. So I challenge you to 3 days without grousing at your partner. Work to notice things done right rather than things done wrong, even if you have to take out a microscope to find them! Show appreciation and gratitude for your spouses contributions rather than finding fault. Do you think you can do it? (it’s not as easy as it sounds, and the longer you’ve been together, the harder it is!)
“What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other?”
Think of one thing you can do for your spouse today to make his/her life easier. Do it without expectations, do it just to be kind and loving and giving. If you do this everyday, what kind of marriage might you have?
“Many marriages would be better if the husband and the wife clearly
understood that they are on the same side.” Zig Ziglar
In working to resolve conflict, change the goal from winning the argument (which means you are against each other) to being on the same team by seeking to understand and empathize with your partners perspective.
Building strong, secure foundations
Premarital counseling is an important part of preparing for your marriage whether it’s to deal with current problems in the relationship, strengthen your relationship or deepen your understanding of one another.
With premarital counseling, not only can you strengthen your relationship and deepen your connection now, but you can learn relationship skills that will help your relationship last a lifetime.
Premarital counseling is so important in helping you discuss difficult topics before marriage that you might not think about in your excitement to plan your wedding. Marriage is not just about how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility. Premarital counseling will highlight your strengths and create awareness of areas that need attention.
Some couples choose premarital counseling as a way to resolve some difficult issues that are getting in the way of having a satisfying relationship. Dealing with these issues before marrying can help the transition and adjustment periods of marriage go a lot smoother.
During premarital counseling, you will learn how your own and your partners childhood experiences impact your adult relationship. You will learn communication tools that you can use now and throughout the course of your relationship to deal with difficulties that come up along the way. You will discuss your values and beliefs about money, children, extended family, quality time, career, intimacy, hobbies, trust, connection, while learning the negotiation skills necessary to navigate these areas of life effectively. You will learn how to create an emotionally safe space for you to turn to one another to stay intimately connected and resolve and repair moments of disconnection that are inevitable in any relationship.
In the state of Tennessee, the standard fee for your marriage license is $98.50. With four hours of premarital counseling, your fee is reduced to $38.50. Below is the link for the form to fill out once your have completed premarital counseling.
We are here and ready to help. Contact us today.
Helping restore your intimate bond and connection
Marriage counseling is an important part of any successful relationship. We will all experience stuck places and moments of disconnect in our significant relationships. The key is knowing how and when to reach for help. There is no reason to have to navigate these painful stuck places alone.
We all need a sense of belonging to a few important others from the cradle to the grave. We are social beings and wired for this sense of belonging and connectedness to important others. When we can’t reach those we emotionally depend on, we panic, and that results in a few behaviors that can create distance and disconnection in intimate relationships. We can often experience feelings of shame around these reactions, but we all experience this when we cannot reach the people that matter most to us. We can reshape these reactions when we understand what is going on and can create a path to healing. That is what marriage counseling from an Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy perspective is all about.
Your connection with your intimate partner is essential to your emotional and even physical wellbeing. Study after study has shown that when we have strong, quality connections with our significant others, we are mentally, physically and emotionally stronger. When our intimate connection is distressed, it affects all other parts of our lives. Marriage counseling can help bring clarity and understanding to what is going on and how to get back into secure connection with one another.
Do you end up fighting about stuff that seems petty on the surface? Of feel like you keep revisiting the same old argument over and over? Have you ever felt alone in your relationship? Do you end up being critical and demanding and escalate because you end up feeling like your partner doesn’t really care and you don’t know how to get him/her to hear you?
Or maybe you feel like no matter how hard you try, no matter what you do, you just can’t get it right with him/her, nothing you do is good enough so you end up shutting down and pulling away, hoping to not ignite another argument.
These are the typical positions partners take when they can’t connect with one another in the ways that once seemed to easy. These reactions and patterns end up making things even worse, and the longer it goes on, the more hopeless it can feel. But there is hope. We now have scientifically based, researched ways of understanding these relational patterns, why and how they occur, how to stop them from spiraling to restore a loving, secure, intimate bond.
Understanding what is underlying these arguments is key to pulling out of these negative patterns that seem to snowball and get worse over time if not adequately addressed. This is where we can help.
Marriage counseling through Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy with a trained professional will help create a safe space to explore painful emotions that underlie your reactions. It will help the two of you understand what is happening, slow down, and calm this seemingly out of control cycle so that you can pull out of it together. It will help the two of you turn to each other from a softer place, alleviate feelings of shame, understand the ways in which your partner is trying to reach you, understand and express your longings and needs, and navigate these painful experiences to find your way back to bonding and connection with one another.
We are here and ready to help. Contact us today.