These are hard times for all of us! Many of us are sheltered in and feeling the strain. It is likely that you are spending a lot of time with your spouse right now, but just because 2 people are in the same house, or even the same room, does not necessarily mean they are feeling connected.
So how can you stay connected to one another during this difficult time?
Here are some in home “date” ideas to keep your relationship thriving during this time of being sheltered in.
After the kids are asleep, have a candle light dinner together. If the weather is nice, have it on the front or back porch for added romance (and for even more added romance, take time to dress up).
Start a new show together.
Soak in a hot bath together (candles are good here too!).
Take time to check out of electronics. Turn the phones, TVs and computers off.
Do a home workout together.
Do yoga for couples.
Go for a walk. Or a run.
Play a card game, board game or maybe some heads up using the app on your phone.
Share what you are grateful for.
Have an afternoon picnic in the yard.
Paint together using art instructional videos online (a sort of painting with a twist, with an extra twist!)
Do your own book club for 2. Pick a book to read and then share your thoughts and reactions with one another.
This can be a time to explore sexuality. There are online resources for tantric sex or Kama sutra. Explore with one another.
Finish an at home project together that you just haven’t had time to complete.
Turn some music on and dance together, slow or fast, whatever you’re in the mood for. You can even make some videos for the rest of us on facebook!
Write random love notes to each other.
Cook a nice meal or try a new recipe together.
Hold each other and share what you are feeling in all of this. Let your partner know you are there, they are not alone. Find ways to comfort and reassure each other as you go through this.
This can be a time of deep intimate connection with your partner, keep turning toward one another and finding ways to stay engaged and connected. We all need more of that right now.
And if you are struggling, we are here. We are offering therapy online to couples. It may seem strange at first, but we have had great success counseling couples through telehealth and research shows that it is a very effective means of therapy. And our couples are finding in some ways they like it better! So please don’t hesitate to reach out if you need support. You can reach us at 865-283-1777.
Wishing you love and happiness always,
Couples can get stuck in some very vicious cycles and negative patterns with one another that rob them of their intimacy and connection with one another. Here is a story of a couple who got caught in a common pattern and how they were able to pull out of it together and reclaim their relationship. Read More
What does it mean to save face?
Have you ever seen someone trip or do something you deemed embarrassing but looked away so they wouldn’t have to feel embarrassed? If you have, you have allowed someone to “save face”.
What does this mean in a relationship?Â WhenÂ couples get into arguments, they often get caught up in trying to prove themselves right and each other wrong.Â WhenÂ one is wrong they are in the position of being the loser. When one loses, the relationship loses. By allowing your partner to save face (even in the event they were wrong!) no one is a loser and the relationship wins.Â Â
Â So why is this important? Â Whenever you get into pointing fingers, making each other own up to every mistake, demanding apologies, demanding he/she see your point of view, it does damage to your relationship, to your connection with one another.
Â Let me illustrate this point with an example. A couple has their wedding anniversary coming up. She plans a special dinner for her husband for when he gets home from work. He forgets it’s their anniversary and un-knowningly makes the decision to stay late at work to finish up a project. There are two reactions she might have. She may get angry and yell at him something like, “how could you forget our anniversary, you always do this kind of thing, you just don’t care about me or what’s important to me!” Or she might say, “You must have forgot our anniversary, let’s plan somthing special for tomorrow night and you can make it up to me” (said in a lighthearted manner). The latter is an example of allowing your partner to save face. There are other important relationship skills at play in this scenario, but allowing your partner to save face keeps kindness, forgiveness, acceptance, and love alive in the relationship. I will leave you with a quote that embraces this idea: “Sheila and I just celebrated our thirtieth wedding anniversary. Somebody asked her, what was our secret? She answered, “On my wedding day, I decided to make a list of ten of Tim’s faults which, for the sake of our marriage, I would always overlook. I figured I could live with at least ten!” When she was asked which faults she had listed, Shelia replied, “I never did get around to listing them. Instead, every time he does something that makes me mad, I simply say to myself, ‘Lucky for him, it’s one of the ten!'”
Tim Hudson, Chicken Soup for the Romantic Soul, 2002
A guided path to recovery and healing
If there has been an affair in your marriage, marriage counseling can help understand and heal difficult emotions of anger, rage, confusion, guilt, disappointment, betrayal, and loss.
Right now you might be trying to figure out if you want to stay in the marriage or go. When an affair is first discovered, a couple enters into a crisis. It is very difficult to make life changing decisions when your world is turned upside down. Counseling can help stabilize this crisis so you can figure out how to move forward.
Directed discussion can help you both understand why and how the affair happened, uncover underlying emotional experiences that contributed to the affair, understand the negative patterns that may have existed in your relationship (how did we get here?), figure out if the marriage can be saved, and begin the healing process.
Trust and boundaries are important parts of a healthy marriage. When infidelity occurs, it violates the boundaries and breaks down trust. Trust can be rebuilt but it takes time and effort. It may seem that the marriage cannot be saved, but through hard work, understanding, compassion, open and honest communication and commitment, it can happen if it is what you want. Counseling provides a sense of hope and a map to get there.
On my blog, I have written about some success stories of couples healing from infidelity. There is great pain and suffering when a trauma like this happens. Whether you decide to save your marriage or not, counseling can be an integral part of bringing growth, understanding, and healing.
Marriage counseling can give you the tools to heal from the affair, get relief from pain, gain understanding and make the best decision for how to move forward.
We are here and ready to help. Contact us today.
How to go forward from here
Whether you are trying to decide if you should divorce, or have already made the decision, counseling can help you deal with the process and emotions involved.
Divorce can be a painful process and can lead to feelings of grief and loss even if it was the right decision for you. Counseling can help heal these difficult feelings, bring relief from pain, increase understanding to gain clarity on the relationship and closure.
Divorce counseling can help you understand the patterns that occurred that led to this place, how to gain clarity and grow from the experience so that patterns are not repeated in future relationships, and that you don’t carry the wounds from this into your next relationship.
If children are involved, you will never truly be divorced. It is important that you learn effective skills of communication post-divorce so that your are able to peacefully co-parent together. You can enter into this type of counseling individually or together.
Family counseling can help your children understand their own feelings and how to manage the changes that are happening in their lives.
We are here and ready to help. Contact us today.