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The first conversation in our Hold Me Tight workshop, based on Sue Johnson’s book Hold Me Tight, is about the question, Are you there for me? It’s the essential question in any love relationship. We silently ask, do I matter to you? Am I important? Am I your number one? Can I count on you to be there when I need you? Will you accept me for who I am?

In secure relationships there is a felt sense that yes! I feel you there for me. I know I matter. And when this is felt, we know we have a secure base and a safe haven. We will still miss at times and hurt one another and have moments of disconnect, but we know we can count on each other to turn toward and pull through and repair.

So how do we help each other to feel this sense of security? It’s both simple and difficult. A.R.E. Accessible, Responsive and Engaged.

We need to be emotionally accessible to one another. When your partner needs you for emotional support, they can access you. You are responsive to their call, and to their needs. And you are engaged, you are present, close and tuned in.

There are things that can make this hard. Maybe your partner expresses their hurt in a way that leaves you feeling attacked and criticized so that it’s hard to hear their underlying pain, their call for you to come close and you may end up getting defensive or putting walls up to protect yourself. In these moments it can be hard to lean in, turn toward and really hear your partner. But it is doable.

Slow down and tune in. What is your partner really trying to tell you. It is usually a bid to come close. Emotions happen fast and it throws us off balance if we are uncertain that our partner will be there when we call.

It is all about being Accessible, responsive and engaged.

To have this and several other conversions to help you and your partner learn how to have a safe, secure connection with one another, join us for our upcoming workshop! Learn more at

Wishing you love and happiness,